Man babies

Man babies are hilarious. Would love to see submissions from people I know.

He's a hot lovin' cake lover

I was just called by a marketing company in Mumbai. The poor man, who could barely speak english was calling to see if I would like a better mobile phone package.

Obviously I didn't, but due to a technical glitch I failed to get cut off when I didn't hang up on him (my preferred technique is to ask them to repeat everything they say and leave them talking to an empty line while I make a cup of tea).

I spent about ten minutes listening to him make the same call to other poor sods around the country, and to their various amusingly rude replies....

Then I got bored...... and spent the next thirty minutes moaning "mmm, he's a cake lover", "do you want to buy a phone made from cake? " over the top of his sales pitch.

Occasionally he calls his supervisor to try and solve the mystery voice on the line, at which point I go quiet for a bit, before resuming the cake love in different silly voices when the coast is clear.

The results have been hilarious and I have practically broken my ribs stifling laughs.

But I am feeling a bit sorry for him now. Am I evil?

Springtime shits.

It's that time of year when I look at the garden, a lush jungle perfect for nesting birds and complex games of cat chess and try to turn it into somwehere we can sit and drink cava in the sunshine.




Mmmm, blissful, the smell of freshly mown grass, lavender and.......oh yes, that'll be a massive fox turd I just mowed over.

How clean is your house?

Having dealt with the aftermath of treading a tiny amount of cat shit into the hallway (it prompted Jah to follow suit in the kitchen in a much more impressive manner), today I finished dealing with decorating the last room in the house.

No more magnolia woodchip left at this address, oh yes!

I thought it looked quite good. But now the room is painted I noticed that the windows needed just a little bit of a wipe down.

This is after what my mother optimistically calls our "period of multi-occupancy". i.e. when we lived here too, but with five other friends and we didn't own it so no-one gave a shit. Do not let your house to me.

One of the windows was a bit hard to open but finally gave way after a lot of banging, swearing and groaning....and I wish it hadn't.

Look what was living there!

OK, I recognise the spider casts, but what are those small papery nests? Do ladybirds build nests? Do spiders not eat ladybirds? Is it OK that I dropped them all fifteen feet onto concrete? Why don't I know about these things and where's David Attenborough when you need him?

Is everybody else's house full of cat shit and tiny, tiny gateways to hell? or is it just me?

Note to self.

If you are going to watch The Sixth Sense before bed, or any other film where madmen break into houses and kill people. Make sure you have a word with the cat first to arrange that she will not spend all night skittering up and down the stairs after imaginary rodents and knocking over the kitchen chairs.

More Dull DIY Part twelvety

There be news around these parts. Very boring news about home decorating. lucky you!

I was made redundant just before Christmas, which was extremely generous of them in terms of timing. But actually no bad thing. Work had been making me miserable for a while, but with a 3 month notice period I wasn't sure whether I wanted to risk resigning with no job to go to. They've paid me off a little, so all in all, it's a good thing. God I hated that job.

I am now dole scum again for a short while which give me plenty of time to play with my skiving, sorry, I mean pregnant and breeding, friends and also to sort out the house, chop trees, buy random furnishings on the internet and generally try to make myself look busy.

Remember this?

Look! Look! After only 9 months we have achieved!! Did you ever hear of such fast work?

It's amazing what a difference it makes not to go to bed in a building site. Now there is only the small matter of the furry pink carpet and the pink, velvet brothel curtains. Still, the carpet makes a good improvised jungle for tiny clangers.

I luxuriated in my new bedroom for several days, then pulled myself together and without any further messing about, I have now moved onto the sixth circle of magnolia woodchip hell....

Mmmmm.

This was Nick's home for a while, where it was known as the tramps' nest due to the general teenage boyness of the area. I blamed all the untidiness of the world on Nick, but it turns out that now he's been gone for a year, it looks exactly the same, only filled with our crap instead of his. Sorry Nick.

I mean, Soz.

The magnolia woodchip was hiding the same green, slimy shite as the last room, but at least this time I had the lovely Susanna to help me uncover it.

I can recommend having a fit, unemployed Spanish mate to anyone. In fact I am going to go and add that to the top tips forum on diy.com.

That, some banging tunes and a lot of beer.

And look! Underneath the tramps nest was a blocked institutional sink. Who would have thunk it.

We could keep tadpoles in that. Or a very small hippo.

Next DIY up date to follow in approximately seven months (I am aiming high.)

One of the advantages of being an unemployed dosser is visiting people. I went to see my brother in Norwich, which is actually a pretty nice town but left me feeling a bit unsettled.

I couldn't figure out why I was uncomfortable until I had been there three days and realised I hadn't seen anyone who wasn't white, which utterly freaked me out.

I am not really sure why it's like that and it's not like the town was full of BNP protestors or anything but it was definitely weird and wrong. I couldn't live there.

Mind you, the beach twenty minutes away, where baby seals come and play in the surf was tempting, even in January.

I am training my nephews to be miniature, camouflage beach assassins. you never know when you'll need one.

Rats as bigs as horses I tell you!

I'd like to see Jah take this on.

1.4 kg Giant Mallomys rat found in New Guinea. I reckon there are some round London compost heaps that are going to be that big by Christmas though.